eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
