To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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