did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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