I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
