im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
