The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize