; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
