Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
