He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
