Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
