I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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