Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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