the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
