I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
