You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
