True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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