Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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