Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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