So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
