At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
