Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
