I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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