i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
