So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
