This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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