His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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