u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I enjoy the company of your penis
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
