you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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