Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
