i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
