Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
