This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
