Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
