so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you inspire me to be a worse person
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
