I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
