i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
