I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
