3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
