Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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