She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
