I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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