Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
