Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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