Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you win again, gameday.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
