so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Dear god my vagina.
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