he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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