Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
