Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize