respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
