I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
