I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
