if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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