He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize