Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
