Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
