They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
