I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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